What could have been
by blue peanut m and m
Summary: Sam's feeling worthless after the events in devils trap and his visions are becoming out of control as he is shown what could have been.....
1. Chapter 1

**What could've been?**

Summary... **Sam's feeling worthless after the events at Devils Trap and his visions are becoming out of control as he is shown what could have been.**

Disclaimer... **Don't own nowt. Kripkie does.**

**chapter 1**

_He was unable to move, his arms suspended above his head, unable to do anything but watch as the windigo ripped into Dean's body. Dean's screams intensified by the cave...flash...Sam tiredly treaded water shouting Dean's name. He could see Andrea on the dock screaming for Lucas, he ducked under again hoping against hope that he would find him. Breaking the surface he came back empty handed. Dean was gone...flash...His hand reached for his father's journal just out of reach of his grasp, he stretched his fingers but still couldn't grip the book. A huge bout of turbulence had him turning onto his back, he could see Dean cowering in the corner of the galley his fear filled eyes caught Sam's, they were crashing..._

Searing, white hot pain crashed behind Sam's eyes as the vision took hold. He was unaware of the hard ground impacting against his body as his legs gave way beneath him. Although it felt like hours it was over in seconds, Sam was aware all of a sudden of Dean's presence, his brother's hands gripping his shoulders, his worried voice breaking thru the cotton wool like feeling in his ears.

"Sam, Sammy, c'mon breathe, try and calm down, please Sammy."

Sam's breathing started to slow as Dean's words finally registered." I'm ok",Sam forced out in between gulping in much needed air, although his sweat soaked face spoke otherwise.

"Yeah, whatever dude." Dean replied.

Sam's face contorted in anger, but before he could respond he was overcome with nausea and only just made it past Dean before he threw up his meager lunch at the side of the road. Dean passed him a bottle of water as Sam's retching subsided to dry heaves.

"What did you see in the vision?"

"I don't know, Dean. It didn't feel like a normal vision everything was all muddled." Sam answered honestly.

"What do you mean?"

"It was like I was there, then I wasn't I was somewhere else, and again, and again, almost like multi visions in one or something." Sam stuttered out his words in his haste to try and explain while at the same time understand what was going on.

Dean shot Sam a worried look.

"Stop it Dean"

"Stop what?"

"Stop looking at me like I'm some kind of freak"

"Sam I'm not, I'm just worried about you. One vision makes you ill for hours, now you've got multiplay? I know you're feeling worse than you normally do."

"I'm ok, Dean." Sam spat out

"Hmm." Dean huffed before getting up and walking a few paces away, running a hand across his face. No matter what he told Sam these visions scared the crap out of him, not because of what Sam saw, hell they'd saved lives because of them, but because of the damage and toll they were taking on Sam.

He looked back to where Sam was still sitting at the side of the road resting his head on his knees, even in the fading light of day you could still see the sheen of sweat on his all too pale face, still see the growing dark circles that now surrounded eyes that no longer held the sparkle they once shone with. Dean also knew Sam had lost weight, weight he could ill afford to lose, but try as he might he just couldn't get Sam to eat much. He'd even gone to one of those fru fru healthy places Sam loved only to watch as Sam listlessly pushed his food around the plate but eat little.

Sam thought he was hiding things well but Dean was after all a hunter and a Winchester to boot, and not much got past him. Not even Sam's 1 hour a night sleeping sessions and that was a good night. No Dean noticed everything and the toll was beginning to take on not just Sam but him as well.

Walking back towards Sam, Dean decided enough was enough, they were going back to the motel and he was going to force Sam to eat, then rest.

"C'mon Sam. lets get you into the car"

Sam struggled on legs that felt like jelly to get up; he made it half way up when his shaky limbs gave out again. Dean crossed the gap to his brother in an instant and caught him under his shoulders before he could resume his place back on the floor.

Still keeping a firm grip on Sam, Dean maneuvered them towards the car; he helped Sam into the passenger side before making his way to the driver's side. Stealing a glance at his younger sibling he was glad to see some colour returning to Sam's cheeks although he was still holding the bridge of his nose and resting his head on the cool glass of the window. Both sure signs of a monster headache.

"There's Tylenol in the glove box"

"Thanks" Sam whispered before dry swallowing two pills and returning to leaning his head back on the glass.

Dean put the car into gear and headed back to the motel. Typical as usual Sam's breathing evened out within minutes of the car starting. Dean could feel the tension leave his body as he also started to relax. Knowing that there was nothing they could do until Sam had a more clearer picture of what was in the vision they were going to take a break, hell after all that had happened these past years they deserved one.

Pulling up outside their room Dean debated whether to drive round for a bit longer. Sam was dead to the world and it was a while since Dean had seen him like this. He was just about to start the car again when Sam stirred.

"Are we back?"

"Yeah, let's get you in the room."

Sam opened the door and with an effort pushed himself up and out of the car, walking slowly towards the motel Sam felt a lot older than his 24 years. He hadn't made more than a few steps when he felt the familiar build up of pressure behind his eyes. He managed a weak "Dean" before he was overcome yet again by an onslaught of pain and his body succumbed returning him to the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**What could have been?**

**Summary...Sam's feeling worthless after events in devils trap, and his visions are becoming out of control as **

**he is shown what could have been.**

**Disclaimer...Still own nothing, Kripkie does, but if my numbers come up that could change...**

_Sam watched as Bloody Mary turned her attention to Dean. Clutching his chest, his tears mixed with the blood pouring from his eyes." I guess you're not the only one with secrets" Dean stated before sagging to his knees. Falling forward all life extinguished from his eyes...flash...He started to come to consciousness .Feeling somebody close by his muddled mind remembered the shifter and the fight, he quietly searched with his hands for any type of weapon. His fingers brushed against the knife the shifter had taken from the drawer. Grasping it Sam reacted without thinking and when the thing came closer he struck. Becky screamed. Dean fell...flash...They exchanged items; Sam caught the shotgun, Dean the necklace. Sam one handedly attempted to load the weapon, he pointed it at Hook man who knocked it out of his grasp with ease, crawling protectively in front of Lori all he could do is wait. Dean rushed down to the basement, throwing the necklace into the furnace and watched as it slowly began to melt. Scrambling back upstairs Dean made his way back to Sam, entering the room he stopped abruptly, Lori was crying, holding onto a bloody, unmoving Sam._

Dean had just opened the motel room door when he heard Sam's whispered cry. Turning around he could only watch in what felt like slow motion as Sam once again descended to his knees, could only watch as his brother slid sideways, his head colliding with the Impala's bumper with a sickening thump before he continued to the ground.

"Shit Sammy!"

Dean's brain finally registered and he quickly made his way to his sibling's side. Carefully taking Sam's head in his lap he stroked his brother's hair, hoping to bring some comfort, whilst waiting for him to come round, barking at passersby when they stopped and stared. Realizing after a few minutes that Sam was showing no signs of waking, Dean decided to try and carry Sam to the room, easier said than done even with the lost weight. Dean maneuvered Sam into a sitting position then grabbed him under his arms and hoisted him up until he was resting on the cars bonnet, taking a deep breath he heaved Sam into a fireman's lift and slowly started for the room.

Setting his brother down on the bed furthest away from the door Dean started assessing Sam for injuries. He noticed that whilst Sam's head was bleeding from the collision with the bumper it wouldn't be requiring stitches, although concussion was a possibility and the lump was huge and would probably hurt like a bitch. Turning Sam's head back around Dean noticed the slight trickle of blood from his nose, thinking it might have been from the fall he wasn't too concerned. Noting no other injuries he got up and went to their duffels taking out the first aid kit, painkillers and the half empty bottle of water Sam hadn't finished earlier.

Sam started to stir back to consciousness as Den was cleaning the blood from under his nose and mouth. Pain assaulted his senses first of all, a mind numbing, stabbing pain that seemed to reverberate around his brain. His sense of smell was next to surface.

"Dude, you seriously need a shower" Sam spoke, his voice raspy and pain filled.

"Glad to see you decided to return to the living there Sammy"

"It's Sam, how long was I out for?"

"About an hour."

"What? What happened?"

Dean looked at him with concerned eyes," What do you mean what happened. You had a vision and decided to take up high diving only with no water. You scared the shit out of me Sam"

"I'm sorry"

Gingerly Sam attempted to sit up, resting on his elbows before continuing to allow the room to stop spinning; one bout of throwing up was enough for one day. He took the water and even though it was too soon two more painkillers. Leaning back against the headboard he closed his eyes.

"Oh no you don't. Don't you dare fall asleep on me" Dean demanded, "We have to talk about this. What's going on? What do you remember from the vision?"

Sam sighed before responding. "I don't know what's happening Dean, I don't remember much of the vision only that they feel old and wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"I wish that I could tell you, I don't know how to explain it, I can remember seeing old hunts but everything is ...Oh I don't know different." Sam paused before continuing, "I'm honestly not remembering everything and it's scary."

"Okay, okay just calm down. I'm gonna go get some food, which you will eat, why don't you have the first shower I'll have one when I get back. "Shrugging on his jacket and picking up the Impala's keys, he stole a quick glance at Sam before leaving.

Thinking a shower sounded like a good idea Sam eased to the edge of the bed and using the wall for support cautiously made his way to the small bathroom. Turning the shower on, he turned it as hot as possible. Painstakingly removing his t-shirt over his still pounding head, he stepped out of his jeans and boxers and eased himself under the water.

He stood for a long while, his hands supporting him against the wall, his head hung down loosely, just allowing the spray to ease the tension in his shoulders. Realizing Dean would be back soon he reached for the soap, when without any warning another vision hit, sending him crashing backwards straight through the glass shower stall.

**Tbc**

**Sorry posted and realized I'd made a mistake so had to take back off and re-do.**

**Would just like to say thanks to everyone who reviewed. I know I sent personal responses but would like to acknowledge you here also. Believe me they are a great boost. Will post again soon. Peanut x**


	3. Chapter 3

**What could have been.**

**Summary...Sam's feeling worthless after events at Devils Trap and his visions are out of control as he is shown what could have been.**

**Disclaimer...Unfortunately I wasn't one of the lucky people who won the $40 million 6-49 lotto so I still own nowt, Kripkie does...**

_Sam relentlessly hammered on the bathroom door where Dean was trying out the steam shower. Getting no answer he cautiously opened the door. Dean was propped up between the sink and shower, eyes closed as though sleeping, eyes that would never open again, surrounded by numerous dead bugs...flash...Sam could feel the cord of the lamp cutting into his neck, depriving air to his lungs, he tried to get the little bag of herbs into the wall, failing to do so he clawed at his throat in a vain attempt to remove the obstruction, it wouldn't budge. Falling back he prayed Dean would find him like he always seemed to. Dean lay on the kitchen floor blood oozing around him like angels wings, knifes in various parts of his body...flash...Dean couldn't move. Ellicott's hands were cupping either side of his face. As electrical currents passed into Dean's brain Ellicott spoke softly," Don't worry I'll make it all better." Rising to his feet Dean glimpsed the discarded hand gun; fishing the magazine out of his pocket he loaded the gun. Aiming at his still unconscious sibling he pulled the trigger..._

Dean had forgone his usual ritual of greasy burger and fries and decided to go to the diner he'd seen that advertised good wholesome home cooking; Sam needed something other than the rabbit food he normally ate. While waiting for his order his mind wandered to Sam's latest visions, he was more used to them now but they still freaked him out, not that he'd ever admit that to Sam, and he hated the pain they caused his brother, these latest ones were especially difficult to handle and Dean wasn't afraid to admit that he was scared also.

Dean pondered just what was going on in the latest batch. What was with the old hunts popping up? Was the yellow eyed demon involved and on the prowl again? God he hoped not he didn't feel up to another round just yet. Not for the first time he wished his father was still alive. The waitress caught his eye bringing his attention back to earth. Picking up the order he paid and left, not even bothering to flirt with the pretty blonde seated next to him, much to her disappointment.

His thoughts were still on Sam's vision as he stepped back into the motel room. Placing the meals on the rickety table Dean glanced at the closed bathroom door, the sound of running water could clearly be heard which surprised him; his brother was not one for long showers knowing that Dean would want one too. Figuring that he would give Sam a few more minutes he started to take the food out of the bags and got a soda for Sam and a beer for himself out of the fridge.

Popping open the beer Dean took a long pull before sitting down. Something was niggling at the back of his mind but for the hell of it he couldn't quite place what it was. Grabbing the remote he started to turn on the TV when it suddenly hit him, although he could hear the sound of the shower there weren't any other sounds, no other noises you would normally hear, just the continuous steady beat of water hitting the tub with no interruptions. Panic overcame him. Knocking down his chair in his haste he made his way to the bathroom.

"Sam!" No answer.

"SAMMY! C'mon stop messing around". Still no answer.

Pounding on the door also resulted in nothing but the annoying sound of running water. Dean tried the handle. Locked. Stepping back he lifted his leg and hoping Sam wasn't behind the door kicked at the lock, it splintered but didn't open, trying again he was rewarded when the door crashed open, banging against the wall, the sight that greeted him stopped him in his tracks. Sam lay sprawled on a floor that was littered with broken glass, water and blood. Dropping carefully to his knees Dean, with trembling hands, checked his brother's neck. Finding a pulse he gently patted Sam's cheek.

"Hey bro, c'mon open your eyes for me. C'mon Sam wake up". No response.

"C'mon Sam, don't you do this to me, wake up!".

Still getting no response Dean, heedful of the broken glass, removed the towels from the rail placing them onto the wet floor. Taking extra care he gently turned his brother over. Sam's back had taken the brunt of the damage although there were cuts everywhere. Luckily enough most were minor but a few were deep and nasty looking, the worst was a 2 inch gash located on Sam's lower back that was gushing out blood with everyone of Sam's heartbeats, this was beyond a motel patch up job, Sam needed a hospital.

Rushing back into the other room Dean quickly grabbed his phone and more towels and hurried back to Sam. Dialing 911 with one hand he used the other to try and staunch the flow of blood with the towel. After explaining to the operator and being reassured that help was 5 minutes away, Dean sat back with his brother and waited running his hand through Sam's too long hair and whispering words of comfort as much for himself as for Sam.

Sam was rushed to the E.R as soon as they arrived at the hospital leaving Dean alone with his thoughts as he paced back and forth in the waiting area. The third cup of miserable vending machine coffee had just been thrown away when the doctor finally came to talk.

"Mr.Halen?"

"Dean! How's my brother?"

"I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news...".The doctor started, stopping mid sentence when he saw what color Dean's face had drain in seconds."Sorry bad choice of words. Your brother has multiple lacerations to the majority of his back and legs. We were concerned about a couple which we've managed to fix but there was one on his lower torso that had us very worried. Unfortunately tests show that this cut has done some internal damage, so we've rushed him to surgery. That being said if all goes well he should make a full recovery although he will be in some pain for a few days and could experience some lower back discomfort for several months. I'm heading down to surgery now as soon as the procedure is finished I'll come see you again.

Dean let out a sigh of relief and dropped into one of the hard chairs that were lining the wall to wait. Several hours later the doctor found him still in the chair, one leg over one of the chairs arms, another cup of coffee balanced precariously on the other leg, head dropped back at an awkward angle, dozing.

"Mr.Halen"

Dean shot up, he instantly regretted it as his stiff neck protested and the cup of coffee dropped to the floor.

"Yeah, how's Sam?".

"Sam made it through the surgery okay, he's in recovery right now but we'll be moving him to a room very shortly. Everything went well but he will be out for the next few hours and when he does wake up he will be groggy. If you would like to make your way upstairs one of the nurses will show you where he's going to be, once they have him settled you can go in to see him, I shall see you later on my rounds".

"Thanks doc". Dean hurriedly spoke, pumping the doctor's hand before rushing upstairs.

One hour later saw Dean perched on a stool next to Sam's bedside, his brother still hadn't woken up and Dean was getting worried. "I'm sorry bro, I can't cope with this on my own it's way above us, we need help, shit I need help." Dean thought to himself before leaving Sam to go outside for a couple of minutes to make a call. After a few rings the person on the other end picked up.

"Hey Missouri, we...I need your help!"

Returning to his brother's bedside, with Missouri's promise to get to them as soon as possible, Dean was feeling slightly more reassured. Allowing the steady beep of Sam's heart monitor lull him to relaxation he started to drift off.

Sirens shrilled loudly as Sam's heart rate suddenly elevated...

Tbc

**A.N... Sorry yet another cliffie thanks to all who've read so far. Moving house so next chapter might be a bit of a longer wait, I'll try not make you wait to long. Peanut x**


	4. Chapter 4

**What could have been.**

**Summary...Sam's feeling worthless after events at Devils Trap and his visions are becoming out of control as he is shown what could have been.**

**Disclaimer...Still not mine yet, I own nothing but a half eaten bag of m&m's, they still belong to Kripkie.**

_"Sam what's wrong?" Meg inquired. "It's my brother something's wrong I have to go". Arriving at the town their dad had sent them to Sam dumped the stolen car, silently apologizing to the owners, and made his way to the orchard his brother had mentioned. Staying alert and wary he searched through the fruit trees. Nothing could be found except some frayed rope and a fugly looking scarecrow...flash..."I can't allow you to stop us, we're doing God's work". "What your doing is murder and my brother is your next intended victim. I have to stop you". "You're wrong". "What do you mean?" "Your brother won't be the next victim". Sam felt pain, his sight blurred, he felt cold...flash..."Trust me Dean, just wait where you are". Headlights suddenly shone brightly in Dean's eyes, the truck was dead ahead." The trucks here, its coming straight for me, what I do Sam? ", "Just wait Dean it'll be ok". Dean did as Sam asked and could only sit and stare as the truck got closer and closer. Sam listened to his phone, hoping his hunch was right, when the line abruptly died, but not before he heard the sound of metal on metal..._

Dean was desperately trying to hold Sam down, as he thrashed around on the bed caught in yet another vision. Nurses and Sam's doctor rushed into the room alerted by the constant screech of the heart monitors siren.

"Sir, you have to leave".

"I'm not leaving him".

"Sir if you don't leave now security will remove you".

Dean found himself being forced away from Sam's side and ejected from the room, he could only observe through the window as the hospital staff went to work on his brother. Forty five minutes later found Dean slumped to the floor, jumping up as the door opened he hurriedly swiped at the few tears he'd allowed to leave his eyes.

"How's Sam, how's my brother?" He asked as the doctor stepped out of the room.

"We've had to sedate him. We believe that he had a seizure probably brought on by the anesthetic but we'll run some tests to make sure. Luckily he didn't pull any of the surgeons work so he should awaken as soon as the sedative wears off. You can go back in now".

Dean dashed past the doctor and made his way back inside, he really needed to see Sam knowing that it wasn't a seizure but yet another bloody vision. He walked towards the bed noting along the way how pale, still, small and very young Sam looked, grabbing his brothers hand he resumed his position, guarding the most precious and important thing in his life.

The light streaming through the window had long since turned to darkness when Dean heard the door to Sam's room quietly open, thinking it would be one of the nurses he didn't move his eyes from his brother.

"Don't you be thinking like that boy, your brother will be fine". Came Missouri's deep southern accent.

"Fine like the guy who's wife was cold banging the gardener or really fine?"

"Don't you sass me boy, I've brought my spoon with me!"

That brought the first smile to Dean's face in what felt like years and he finally looked up at Missouri.

"Hey Missouri".

"Oh son don't you be getting yourself worked up, we'll work this all out, you'll see". Missouri attempted to reassure the older hunter.

"I'm scared Missouri. He had another vision earlier on, the doctor thinks it was a seizure but we both know it wasn't, he was still unconscious at the time so they want to run tests. I just don't know how to help him".

"Well that's what I'm here for. Now the first thing you need to do is go and get some rest". Stopping Dean as he was about to protest Missouri carried on." I spoke to Sam's doctor he wont be waking for some time and your no use to him while your dead on your feet. Go. Now!"

Dean reluctantly got to his feet. "You call me if...you just call me".

Missouri watched as Dean trudged from the room. "Poor boy so much weight for someone so young". She thought to herself before turning her attention to the younger sibling."Oh Sam, what's going on in that head of yours".

Returning to Sam's room a couple of hours later Dean looked slightly more refreshed. Having returned to the motel he'd stayed just long enough to grab a fresh set of clothes before returning to the hospital, catching some sleep in the back of the Impala. Justifying that it didn't class as leaving Sam this way. Walking in he noted that Sam was still asleep, Missouri seemingly the same.

"Don't worry child I sensed you the minute you came back to the hospital, your brother hasn't woken yet but I sense he's about to come around".

"What do you think we're dealing with?"

"I don't know, but I have an idea I want to try if I have your agreement?"

"Anything Missouri, I'll try anything, I just hate seeing him hurt like this". Dean hurriedly agreed.

"Now don't be too hasty boy. I'm not going to lie to you, I'm going to need Sam's help and there is a chance that this could hurt him even more".

"Why can't things ever be easy, why do they always end up hurting him, haven't we gone through enough, paid enough, he doesn't deserve this, none of it". Dean's frustrations came out in a barrage aimed at no-one in particular; he quickly turned away from Missouri not wanting her to see the pain and anguish written all over his face. Knowing that she could sense it anyway was embarrassing enough.

"I'm sorry, Missouri."

"Don't you fret about it, you can't keep holding it all in, you will do more damage that way."

"What do we have to do?" Dean relented.

"Nothing yet, we wait for Sam."

Missouri and Dean passed the rest of day alternating between watching bad daytime TV and making runs to the diner across the street, which served considerably better coffee, whilst waiting for the youngest Winchester to awaken. Dean was so totally engrossed in the latest episode of Oprah that he didn't notice that somebody was watching him. Brown orbs flitted between Dean's face and the TV screen hanging from the ceiling, a look of total bewilderment on the face they belonged to, it was only the slight movement of Sam's hand beneath his own that alerted him to his brother's wakefulness.

"Hey bro, how are you feeling?". Dean would have laughed in other situations at the look that was returned by his brother to that question."Yeah ok, stupid question, you need anything?"

"Water." Sam croaked out, wincing at the grating of his throat and at how weak his voice sounded.

Dean got Sam the water and noting his brothers shaky hands helped him to take a few sips. Once Sam had settled back into the most comfortable position he could find on the bed he spoke up. "What happened, how did I get here?".

"You had another vision at the motel, do you not remember?" Observing Sam's thoughtful look he continued. "You fell through the shower stall, cut yourself really bad, I couldn't do a patch up, so that's why your here. You also had another vision just after you came out of surgery. The doc thinks you might have some sort of brain injury but you'd have to have a brain for that, eh geek". Dean's attempt to joke fell flat. "You had me worried there for a bit bro".

"Dean, I'm sorry. I remember bits now, there was no warning this time it just took over, and no signs, nothing, and I could feel myself falling but couldn't prevent it".

Heaving a huge sigh Dean asked the inevitable question. "Are the visions any clearer, are you remembering anymore?"

"Kind of, they were similar to the others, showing me previous hunts with different outcomes, but this one was slightly different".

"Different? How?" Dean persisted.

"I don't know, I'm missing something, there's something I need to remember but it's evading me".

Missouri spoke up at this point. "Sam honey, do you feel or sense anything evil? Like you did back home?"

"Hey Missouri, I'm sorry we bothered you. There's something, but I don't sense its evil. God this is so frustrating, I hate this and I hate these visions!" Sam angrily protested. Punching the bed for emphasis.

"Hey, hey calm down, you just had surgery, you not remembering could just be an after effect of the drugs. Missouri wants to try something, if your up for it?"

Sam's eyes flashed through a range of emotions, anger, sadness, fear and frustration before finally settling on resignation, "I don't know Dean what do you think?". He softly spoken voice no more than a whisper.

"I think we need to give it a try, you've had 4 visions so far and we're still no closer to knowing what they mean".

"Okay Dean, we'll give it a go. What do I have to do?" Sam acquiesced.

"Well Sam, I'm gonna try and join you in your mind, see if I can see or sense anything. I'll just take hold of one of your hands and place a hand to your head and see if I can take a ride along. I can't say this wont hurt you, it will be painful if you try and block me, but after everything you've already been through this should be a walk in the park."

"You sure you are up for this Sam? We could wait a bit." Dean worriedly asked.

Sam looked doubtful and vulnerable and Dean wanted to tell Missouri that they would wait, when his brother finally spoke. Mustering all the strength he could Sam uttered,"Yeah, let's do this".

Missouri took Sam's hand in hers and delicately placed her other onto the young hunter's forehead, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she started to pry into Sam's mind. Sensing nothing but darkness she spoke softly. "Honey just try to relax and I won't hurt you".

Feeling Sam relax slightly she pried deeper; gradually breaking through the layers of the boys mind until she reached the point she needed to be.

_Coming upon a room she opened the door _._Row upon row of desks and chairs lined the room all facing towards a larger desk and chalkboard. Missouri smiled to herself, she should have known a classroom would show it's self in the boys mind. Taking a seat she waited, Sam walked in first taking a seat near the front of the classroom; he was followed soon after by something else. The shape looked human but she couldn't tell. She pushed harder._

Dean had taken his seat back on the other side of his brother; with nothing to do he could only watch. At first all seemed well, there was nothing untoward about either Missouri's or Sam's expressions, Sam just looking really peaceful. Gradually he began to notice changes, the slight sheen of perspiration on Sam's top lip, pain lines evident on both faces. Missouri squinted suddenly and Dean noted Sam jump slightly. Hearing a small whimper of pain from his brother he looked more closely at Sam, he was now sweating profusely, his eyes tightly closed. Something was wrong. Missouri released her hold unexpectedly, grabbing at her head as she struggled for air.

_Sam watched as the person entered, although he was sure he should recognize the person it was as though his mind was deliberately blocking him from seeing them, that being said he was suddenly a washed with a sense of calmness. He heard a raspy voice in his mind whisper "I'm sorry" before pain overcame him again._

Sam's eyes shot open as blood started to flow freely from his nose, he glanced at Dean briefly before his eyes rolled back in his head.

**Oops sorry cliffie again!!!**

**Quite a long one to keep you going till I've moved. Hope I've managed to do justice to all the fantastic reviews by keeping you hooked and wondering. Will post as soon as poss., Peanut x**


	5. Chapter 5

**What could have been.**

**Summary...Sam's feeling worthless after events at Devil's Trap and his vision's are getting out of control as he is shown what could have been.**

**Disclaimer...Kripkie still owns.**

_Sam came back to reality, feeling a sense of urgency he pushed at the closet door, it wouldn't budge , he started to become panic stricken as his distraught mind replayed the vision, pushing harder he was rewarded when the unit behind the door moved slightly. It was not enough as the sound of the gun resounded from upstairs...flash...The hunter became the hunted. Pa Bender had taken Dean's suggestion and Sam had been released. Sam knew the only way to save Dean was to put the other two Benders out of commission. He swiftly dealt with one and started stalking the second, forgetting in his haste to rescue Dean, his fathers words of wisdom "never assume anything, always be aware of __all__ your enemies. Pa Bender took aim, his arrow catching Sam straight through the heart...flash...They could both only watch as the deava's ripped into their father. Dean was attacked next being thrown across the room before landing in a heap, he heard Sam's scream as he was attacked. Morning found three bloodied, battered Winchesters not a single breath coming from any...flash..."Hey why don't you pick on someone your own size?" Mordechai turned his attention to Sam giving Ed and Harry the chance to escape. "Run, get out now". Sam managed to get out before Mordechai grabbed him by the throat pining him to the wall. "Dean". Sam croaked out, but it was no use, Dean wouldn't get there in time...flash...Dean went crashing into the bookcase before falling heavily to the floor. Sam took aim and prepared to pull the trigger, but he wasn't quite quick enough, he felt himself thrown into the wall before landing on the bed, the Striga was on top of him in an instant, breathing the very essence out of him. Dean awoke to find the Striga gone. Succeeding this time to finish what it started so very long ago..._

Dean had long since past the panic stage and was now bordering on hysteria, he had somehow managed to stop the blood that had been streaming out of Sam's nose, but his brother was stuck yet again in another vision. Sam's eyes were moving rapidly beneath his lids and his hands were gripping the sheet so tightly that Dean thought he would rip right through it. As abruptly as it had started it stopped, Sam's breathing evened out and his hands relaxed. Dean exhaled a breath he hadn't even known he was holding in. Dipping a cloth in water he gently wiped his brother's face as Missouri stepped out of the bathroom.

"Missouri, what the hell went wrong?"

"I'm not too sure son, we were getting somewhere, there was definitely a presence there doing this, we were so close but the vision hit and I was forced out." Not wanting to trouble the worried sibling anymore she didn't mention the amount of pain Sam was actually in, pain that could only have gotten worse with the vision. "Dean, I believe that we should get Sam out of the hospital, these attacks are going to arouse suspicion soon."

Dean reluctantly agreed, when his brother woke up they would get him released even if it meant against medical advice. Missouri was right the doctor would soon start asking too many questions. Missouri went to get some fresh air as Dean turned back to Sam and waited. Not wanting to think about the visions, his mind took instead to brooding over the last few months. Dad's death had hit them both hard and things weren't great between him and Sam at the moment, what with Sam wanting to share their feelings all the time, but seeing Sam this hurt was the last thing Dean wanted, hell he would even do a chick flick moment if it would make Sam feel better.

"I'm sorry Sammy, I never meant to drive you away, but you know me dude, I have to have unbreakable walls surrounding me otherwise I can't do what we need to do, I've been pushing you away so hard 'cause I don't want to lose you too, I can't lose you, I can't and I won't. It hurts to know what dad did, Sammy, he shouldn't have done it, it should have been me, but I carry on Sam and I'm sorry I can't seem to tell you these things when your awake. I love you bro. I need you to get better; I need you to stay with me." Dean rested his head on Sam's hand as the tears he had been holding back were finally released. Emotionally drained he allowed his eyes to close.

The youngest Winchester awoke to an insurmountable amount of pain, everywhere seemed to throb and ache, from his back to his shoulders, his hands to his head. Carefully cracking one eye he judged the reaction before opening the other, a small smile crossed his face at the sight of his brother asleep his head on Sam's hand. Not wanting to wake him, he tried to think back to the last vision, he could remember more and more, but something was still evading him. The person had seemed so familiar, almost like it was someone he knew, but the last piece of the jigsaw just wouldn't fit, and that voice, he recognized that voice, but his mind just wouldn't put the puzzle together.

Dean shifted slightly allowing Sam's hand to become free, feeling the urge to use the bathroom, Sam started the tortuous task of getting out of bed, gently inching his way to the edge he dropped his leg over the side and attempted to sit up. Big mistake, as the pull on his back registered in his already battered brain, he made his next mistake when he tried to stand, and underestimating his weakened state he barely managed to grab the nightstand to stop him self from falling. A slight knocking of the bed had Dean instantly alert.

"God damn it Sam, what is it with you and floors at the moment?" He cried before rushing to aid his brother. "What are you trying to do?."

"Bathroom." Sam murmured embarrassment evident on his face.

After helping Sam get to the bathroom and settling him back on to the bed, Dean explained the plan to leave the hospital as soon as possible. Sam, as much as he was in pain, had to agree. Not wanting to leave Sam alone just yet Dean hit the call button and explained to the nurse, when she arrived, that they would like Sam to be released. Three hours and a good few arguments later, saw Dean helping his brother to get dressed, a set of a.m.a forms resting on the rolling table.

Both brothers felt the need to check into a different motel, there were just too many bad memories, not to mention a repair bill they couldn't afford, at the old one. Finding the one that looked the least shady Dean booked two rooms with a connecting door. Leaving Missouri to settle in, he positioned Sam as comfortably as possible on one of the lumpy beds before taking a seat on the other. Elbows resting on his knees, head in hands he looked uncomfortably around the room, trying to find some way of broaching the subject of the visions.

"I know you want to ask me something Dean, stop being such a girl and just ask."

"What happened?" Dean eventually got out, realizing at the same time how lame the question sounded.

"I was in a room, some sort of classroom I think, somebody came in, I heard a voice and then the vision hit."

"Whoa, whoa, back up, you heard a voice? What did it say?"

"It said "I'm sorry" what do you think it means?"

"I don't know Sam; did you recognize who said it?"

"That's just it Dean, I know them but I can't place who it is. It's so frustrating, I'm sorry."

"It will come to you Sam, and what are you apologizing for?"

"I don't think I can take much more of this, the visions get more and more painful each time, they hurt so much I think my head will explode, I don't think I can go through another one."

Noting Sam start to tear up, Dean moved over to his brothers side and carefully positioned himself against the headboard, placing a comforting hand on Sam's back he gently rested his brothers head in the crook of his shoulder and allowed him to release all his pent up frustrations and emotions, not caring how much of a chick flick moment was occurring. Through a combination of pain and exhaustion Sam eventually cried himself to sleep and although Dean's back was killing him there was no way he was going to move. Taking solace in Sam's steady breathing his eyelids slowly closed.

Missouri found them this way when she entered through the connecting door sometime later, three cups of steaming coffee balanced precariously in her hands, the click of the door roused Dean who immediately berated himself for falling asleep and leaving Sam so unprotected.

"Don't you go criticizing yourself, you need your sleep also, plus I was watching over the both of you." She scolded before handing over one of the coffees.

Dean was just thinking how to extract himself from Sam when his brother solved the problem for him, bolting up with such ferocity that Dean knew it had to have hurt, he jumped to his brothers aid taking his head in his hands. Sam's eyes were glassy and unfocused, his breathing heavy, his mind locked in a vision.

_Dean attempted to light the lighter, Sam attempted to protect Sarah, Dean kept flicking the switch, Sam kept moving back, Dean succeeded, Sam also, as the dolls hair took hold of the flame Dean breathed a sigh of relief, Sam also breathed ... his last breath his throat slit from ear to ear, Sarah safe behind him...flash... Things were going well, John had Kate, Sam and Dean had taken care of most of the other vampires, but then it all went to hell, Luther had Sam. John took aim with the colt, not caring about a wasted bullet, hell they needed to know that it worked, he fired. The shot went true, straight through Luther's head, but the vampire jerked viciously. A sharp crack could be heard and two bodies fell to the ground, one dead from a bullet the other a broken neck...flash...Sam rushed out of the house, Rosie secure in his hands. Handing the baby over to her mother, he turned back to Dean. A movement caught his eye, looking up he could see the yellow eyed demon still in the flame consumed nursery. Breaking free from his brother's arms he rushed back into the house, he could finish this tonight; it would all be over, were the only thoughts going through his mind. Reaching the nursery he went to step in. Dean watched as the house exploded...flash..."You shoot me son, you shoot me through the heart." John shouted, struggling to keep the demon at bay. "Don't you do it, Sam" Dean gasped out. Sam looked at his dad before looking at Dean. Pulling the trigger he shot his dad in the leg and watched as the demon was expelled, turning to Dean; he noticed with horror his unblinking, sightless eyes. Dean was dead..._

Dean detected the minor change in Sam's expressive eyes as he slowly returned from the vision, blinking repeatedly Sam began to focus, grasping Dean's arms, he hurriedly spoke.

"I know who it is now".

**A.N... Sorry I made you wait so long, was gonna post the last two chapters together but I'm not that nice. Last chapter by Saturday, there's some A.U in it so just be aware. Hope you've enjoyed it so far. Peanut x**


	6. Chapter 6

**What could have been.**

**Summery... Sam's feeling worthless after events at Devil's Trap and his visions are getting out of control as he is shown what could have been.**

**Disclaimer...Still a Supernatural free zone in my house, I don't own them.**

**A.N... Last chapter, some things didn't happen at the start of season two you'll see what I mean by the end. Thanks for reading. Colby's girl this is for you, I couldn't make you wait till you got back, also to Sammygirl1963. Enjoy everyone.**

"I know who it is now, Dean. I know what they want to tell us." Sam called out before starting to sob uncontrollably.

"Calm down Sam. What's the matter? What's going on? Who is it? What do they want?" Dean fired question after question.

Sam attempted to respond but the words just wouldn't come, taking the coffee Missouri handed him he took a mouth full whilst trying to calm down his frayed nerves. It was a good hour before he felt able to tell what had happened after his latest vision.

_Sam again found himself in the classroom, which he now recognized as one of his lecture rooms at Stanford, sitting down again he waited. It wasn't long before the door opened and the man from his earlier vision entered. Again Sam could make out the shape but the man's face was blank. As the man entered further into the room Sam's mind began to register more and more things. A long, jean clad leg covered a well worn battered boot, a long black leather jacket fitted comfortably over a plain shirt which in turn covered a muscular, working mans body, dark hair and stubble beard were peppered with grey. Suddenly it all fit and Sam looked up and found eyes that matched his own._

_"Dad." He gasped out._

_"Sam." John answered._

_"But how? Why?"_

_"I found some things out and this was the only way that I could tell you. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you, if there had of been another way I swear I would have taken it, but the information was important."_

_"You never change do you dad, if it involves the demon you don't care who you hurt, even your own sons." Sam spat out._

_"Sammy, please I don't have a lot of time and I don't want to spend it fighting with you, we always seem to go around in circles, just for once please just listen to your dad."_

_Sam was overcome with a sudden sense of deja vu. He remembered a similar scene not too long ago, which had taken place in John's hospital room. He remembered how hurt he had been, after his dad had died, that his last words were thrown in anger. It was something he couldn't go through with again, so taking a deep breath he nodded his agreement that his dad should carry on._

"_Things have been working against this family for a very long time son, but I've only just realized just how big this thing is. Every hunt you and your brother have been on this last year have been down to the yellow eyed demon, he's not been personally involved which is why you have been unable to sense him all the time, but his minions have all been involved."_

_"But why dad, I don't understand."_

_"Our family has caused numerous problems in the underworld since your mothers death, but know matter what we did there seems to be an unwritten rule that we shouldn't be harmed. I needed to know. It was the yellow eyed demon, Sam. The visions that I showed you, that's what could have been, if that rule hadn't been there, but the demon has plans and he needs you strong so he stepped in and helped us, a slight suggestion here and there to nudge you, but really he just played on your natural instinct as brothers to save one another". John stopped, allowing Sam to take in what had been said so far, before continuing. "The demon needed you with Dean, Sam. It knew he was the best one to teach you all you needed to know, but now your strong enough he will try and separate you both. You can't allow that to happen. You have to stick together, Sam, you and Dean. Now you know why I had to make that deal Sam, I found out when he possessed me."_

_Sam cut in. "But if that's what he wanted, me and Dean separated, why did he save us at the cabin? Why did he make the deal with you? Why not just let Dean die?"_

_"He needed you to kill me that was a test for you. After that time we had the colt, that was a powerful incentive, he needs it for something, plus I don't think he realized just how strong you both are when you stick together. Apart you formidable, together your a force. You will eventually get the evil that destroyed our family, but only if your together. I made the deal son, because you need Dean, just as much as he needs you. Whatever happens stay together, don't leave one another. I wish there could have been another way and I'm sorry that I won't be there with you both, but I'll never be to far away from you." John paused; he had more to say but Winchester pride was getting in the way, biting the bullet he continued. "I'm sorry for the way I acted when you got accepted to Stanford, I was scared Sam, I wouldn't be able to protect you and I lashed out, but that doesn't mean I wasn't proud of your achievement. I'm proud of you son, I'm proud of the man you've become, I love you Sam." John turned to walk out of the room." I have to go, I'll see you again."_

_Sam tried to grab his father but his hand just brushed right through John's arm. "Wait dad, there's so much more I need to know. What does the demon have planned for me? Tell me how to get you back?" His questions trailed off as John took one final look before walking out the door. Sinking into a chair, Sam started sobbing, slowly realizing as he did so that he was returning to the motel room._

As Sam recounted the last piece of the remembered vision and meeting with his father, he looked up to find Dean in tears, Missouri also.

'What do we do now, Dean?"? Sam asked eventually

"We do as dad says, Sam. We stick together, stay sharp, kill things and don't stop until we get that yellow eyed sucker." Dean's masks firmly back in place now, he gave his brother's shoulder a quick squeeze before saying. "And we're gonna eat, greasy burgers and fries all round." Fixing Sam with his usual cocky smile.

Later that night found both boys sleeping, Sam for the first time in days not drug and vision induced, and for the first time in weeks not dreaming.

Dean was.

_Sitting in the Impala Dean was listening to the occupant of the passenger seat. "I never got to tell you Dean, just how very proud of you I was, you took care of both of us even when you were still a child yourself. It was a job you did with such passion Dean and I have another one for you now. Take care of Sammy, Dean. They will try and turn him but if you both work together they won't succeed."_

_"I will dad, you know I will, I promise you."_

_"Dean, I have one more thing I need you to do for me."_

_"Anything dad, what do you need me to do?"_

_"If they succeed in turning Sam. I need you to kill your brother, Dean."_

A set of green eyes shot open in the quiet motel room.

**The end?**

**Thanks to everyone who read my little fic, and massive thanks to those who reviewed. Hope your not too disappointed with the ending, I had an idea where I wanted it to go and I think I managed to get where I wanted it to be, but if you have any suggestions to make it better, I'm all ears, hit review and let me know. Will post another fic soon, it could possibly be a little dark so I'm nervous about posting, so wait and see. Thanks again, Peanut ; ) x**


End file.
